VIRGINIA ASSOCIATION OF MARRIAGE AND FAMILY COUNSELORS

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Vol. 9, Issue 2                                       Avis Quinn, Editor Winter 2002

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President’s Column

Karen Eriksen
 
 

So, is it possible to approach the holidays with less than the frenetic, last minute, craziness? One might ask a similar question about whether the end of the semester can be accomplished with any semblance of healthiness and balance. For me, as a counselor educator, these two may forever be merged, doubling the effect. And our students share the “doubling” experience, at least for the several years that they are with us. So, I find it difficult to pause and think deep thoughts, to think about anything that matters at this time when we are supposedly celebrating things that matter. I wonder, realistically, whether anyone would have the time to read my “deep” thoughts were they to receive the newsletter during this time. But since you are receiving this after the holidays, when things begin to return to “normal,” perhaps some of you will have time to ponder along with me.

Beyond the school system, most of us are impacted by our family systems during the holidays. And as I sit here, I wonder what your experiences have been during this time around family. It seems that our families will be present, whether physically, in our hearts, or as ghosts. I have begun to consider how my family’s history of great Christmas times will merge with an emerging history with a relatively new partner. My past Christmases were wonderful times, fueled by my mother’s desire to forget painful Christmases from her past. So, while she energetically sought to forget, I have great memories of our whole family gathering in the kitchen, playing Christmas music, baking cookies, creating Christmas ornaments, decorations and presents. I have years of church and music memories, punctuated by singing in the choir and attending the yearly midnight Christmas Eve service. What makes a “good” Christmas in my mind is lots of crafts and music and church and togetherness. But how does one put such a Christmas together with a new partner, when his commute keeps him absent for much of the week, when he has no ability or interest in crafts, when he doesn’t share my faith, and when there is limited time due to a two year old? How can we create new traditions and fill them with new joy that isn’t dimmed by memories of the old, so that Christmas still feels like Christmas? I am aware that those reading this may want to consider similar questions about Hannakah or Ramadan or other cultural traditions.

I am also thinking of a troubled marriage in our family, in which separation may be immanent. That family is not too interested in celebrating this holiday season. And I wonder how many of you have sworn off the holidays because of a similar experience – because a family member died at Christmas time; because your past family experiences were so painful that you would rather not surface the memories by recognizing the holidays; because current family relationships are strained and not likely to heal any time soon? It is as though without a warm family to experience, some of us would rather not do the holidays. 

As a means of facing such challenges, I am wondering as we emerge into the new year if we can commit to living the “true meaning” of the holidays throughout the 

the sacrifice involved in real love; a gratefulness for and giving to those who have loved us; a remembrance of the holy -- reminders to be “good” ourselves, as well as appreciations of the holy in others, particularly those who are “downtrodden” in some way; the promise of salvation and healing; a celebration of new life and light after a period of darkness; a seeking for peace – both internal and in the world. Perhaps as we take down decorations, we can remind ourselves of what these decorations are supposed to symbolize. And as we wrap them

carefully and put them away in the boxes, we can similarly commit to treating as precious this year what they were intended to stand for. Whether the holidays have been celebratory or painful, wonderful or disappointing, we can herald a new year in which we create new meanings out of old, envision new ways to bring old symbols into fruition, and imagine new traditions from the blend of the old. Herein may lie “new life” and healing. And this is my New Year wish for you.

                 - Karen Eriksen
 

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Editor’s Note: This column is actually two articles written with related themes.
 

 

Raising Megan

By Jeff Eads, Radford University
 

 

Having three small children can be extremely challenging. My wife and I have Megan, who will be six in April; Matthew, who is four; and Samuel, who celebrates his first birthday in January. I often find myself wondering about the experiences of other parents. Do they experience the same emotions that I do? Do they find themselves not knowing what to do with their children? Do they feel guilty when they become frustrated with themselves or their children? Do they sometimes feel so overwhelmed with the never-ending demands of their children that they just want to find a great big comfortable quilt and hide under it for hours? 

I’m sure that some of these questions are a natural byproduct of parenting; however, for me the frequency of this questioning and the subsequent soul searching seems to be intensified because Megan has cerebral palsy. Cerebral palsy is a “garbage pail” term that is used to describe brain damage that occurs in infants shortly before or after birth. The effects are different for everyone. Megan has a severe case. In a nutshell, she cannot talk, walk, feed herself, or take care of her personal needs. She requires a one-on-one aid in her kindergarten class. At home, we have respite help that assists my wife with Megan until I get home from work. On the nights that I have class or internship hours, my wife is either on her own, or has her mother come over to help get the children to bed. I feel guilty when I am not there and call frequently to see how things are going. 

Typically, Megan’s mood will set the tone for the evening. If Megan is having a good day, things can go relatively well. If Megan is having a bad day, she may cry and whine from the time that she gets home from school until she cries herself to sleep. Because she cannot talk, Megan cannot tell us what is making her upset. Is she crying because she is uncomfortable, hungry, frustrated, or just sad? My wife and I usually don’t know. 

When Megan is inconsolable, the boys usually have to be patient and wait for their needs to be met. I particularly worry about Matthew. He seems to be the proverbial “middle” child, caught between a disabled older sister and an infant brother. His needs and wants usually have to wait until Megan and Samuel are taken care of. I try to make special time for Matthew, but it is not easy. Between graduate school, a full-time job, internship hours, and the children, my time is stretched very thin. My wife and I start our evening together sometime after 9:00 pm. It is not until this time that we can have a few quiet moments to talk and be together as a couple.

I’m sure that other parents with small children will read this and completely understand where I am coming from. One does not need to have a disabled child to experience the stress, guilt, frustrations, and the lack of time for their partner that I have described. Ironically, when I have tried to gain support from other parents, they often blow me off and negate my experience. They want me to believe that what I am going through is no different than what they are going through. 

Right now, the biggest thing I am trying to come to terms with is that fact that I will never be able to launch Megan into the adult world. Her physical and mental handicaps are such that she will always require total care. Her disability is not something that can be fixed or cured; it is not one that she will outgrow. My home will always be a public domain, a revolving door for respite care providers. 

Coming to terms with this is hard for me. I find myself at two distinct poles. On the one hand I try not to project forward and start thinking about taking care of her for the rest of my life, and on the other hand I’m trying hard not to get bogged down or stuck in the day-to-day parenting struggles. It is so difficult to find a balance. But whatever comes, I must take great care to stay in tip-top shape in order to be physically and mentally able to handle what lies ahead of me as a parent. 

Writing this has been difficult for me. I feel that I am once again letting others see a side of me that I don’t like to share. I know that some readers will try with all their might to formulate a list of suggestions to help my family and me, and I appreciate that. Other readers will try to resist the temptation to judge me or develop biased opinions, but will be unsuccessful. Some readers will feel sorry for me, while others will feel that it is time for me to get off of my pity pot. Without doubt, all readers will pick up on my defensiveness and deep-seated fear of criticism when it comes to my ability to parent a disabled child. And last, but not least, someone will try to diagnose me. 

   

Parenting a Child with a Disability:

Taking on the Role of Advocate

Rosemarie Scotti Hughes, Ph.D., LPC, LMFT, Regent University
 

 

When my son was three years old, he was diagnosed as being mentally retarded. When I heard that diagnosis, I knew that my life would never be the same. Everything I had previously envisioned about being a parent was now changed. Chris was three, and his older brother was four. I had always pictured the two boys as growing up to be pals for each other, in scouts and school together, playing on ball teams, and just enjoying being boys. That picture was never to come to life. There would be other scenes in my family that I could not have foretold. My first reaction upon getting the news was to ask “Why?” and to hunt for a cause. Thirty-one years later, I am still on that quest. 

Parenting takes on an entirely different dimension when there is a child with a disability in the family. The entire family, both present and future members, is affected, in both positive and negative ways. As Chris grew older, I realized that I would indeed be a parent for his whole life. My other three adult sons are on their own. Although Chris lives in a group home and works during the day, he needs 24-7 care and supervision. When he comes to visit me, it is as though a much younger child is in the house. I still attend meetings twice a year for his living and work plans, and am the keeper of his records, history, and finances.

On that day when I first heard the words “mental retardation” applied to my son, I had no idea that I was going to have a role in addition to that of mother—I would be his advocate. Chris will never learn self-advocacy, as his cognitive skills will not allow him to think in that way. He will always need someone to be there for him, to ensure that his rights are not being abridged, that he is receiving the care and instruction that he requires. In our family, that job falls to me.

Chris’ father was a career Naval officer, and was deployed for long periods of time. When he came home, he did not want to attend IEP meetings or be involved with schooling for Chris. I do not know how much of a factor having a child with a disability was in our marriage of 27 years dissolving. Currently, I am still the chief advocate.

Parents of children with a disability have various levels of involvement. Some are very involved and remain so their entire lives. Others prefer not to join any parent associations, or participate in any activities, content to come once a year to the mandatory IEP meeting—or in some cases to just sign the paperwork and return it. Some parents have to be almost coerced into signing paperwork.

Parents who have been active as advocates are subject to the same kinds of problems and needs as are those who work in direct care with those with disabilities. Some of these problems are: feeling inadequate at times, feeling burnt out

from having to continually being in an advocacy role, and frustration with working with bureaucracies of local, state, and federal governments. Some parents have children with medical problems that require navigation of that system also. To be successful advocates, parents must develop new skill sets, such as: facilitating a group process (I was once at an IEP meeting with nine teachers and administrators, all there for just my son); accessing community resources; knowledge of political systems; problem solving and conflict resolution techniques (parents often have to take the lead in getting to solutions); writing and editing; and long range planning. All of these are necessary, in addition to being able to parent and nurture.

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Synopsis of

VAMFC Members

Presentations at VCA

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Creating Systems Change Through Building Collaborations

Among School and Family Counselors”

Judy Stone
 

 

At this year’s VCA Convention, VAMFC offered a special presentation on building collaborations among school and family counselors. In doing so, we sought to not only build collaborations but to offer service in a forum frequented by school counselors. We designed the presentation as a “think tank” in which leaders in school and marriage and family counseling could stimulate participants to think about particular questions, and then could lead brainstorming groups to generate ideas. Rip McAdams, past president and president elect of VAMFC, and faculty member at the College of William and Mary began the presentation by introducing the presentation’s goals and offering a marriage and family counseling perspective. Michelle Dowdy, coordinator of guidance in the Roanoke County School District, and Gary Waynick, Superintendent, Williamsburg-James City County Schools, followed with school counseling perspectives. After their thoughts, participants divided into small groups, led by a school counselor and a marriage and family counselor, to generate ideas in response to the introductory questions.
 

 

Rip McAdams introduced the theme and purpose of this session which was to promote family therapy and school collaboration. Referring to participants in the New Horizons model, Rip summarized a survey of school principals regarding violence in the schools. Findings suggested communication and coordination problems – schools leave out family context and family centers leave school context. There seemed to be ambivalent focus on kids themselves. The overall question presented to the group for discussion was “how can we best merge?” Specific questions were 1. What are your visions for changing school systems to improve family support and counseling-related services, family involvement in the schools, family based school programs, and family-school-community collaborations? 2. How do you imagine bringing such visions to fruition? 3. What obstacles might hinder such visions?
 

 

Michelle Dowdy, LPC, spoke about a parent-child-teacher-family therapy wrap-around approach. She stated that she felt all players need to be able to agree about the approaches in working with students. Communication, follow-up, and accountability are key, according to this presenter. Michelle also addressed “turf” issues saying that, based upon her observations, school counselors are not always viewed by family therapists as real counselors. On the other hand, some school counselors perceive family therapists as having it easy as clients come to them willingly and they make “easy money.” She also addressed

the concern that teachers now spend most of their time focusing on SOLs which may take away from focusing on students in need of counseling. Other observations were that there is resistance toward school counselors taking time to see students, and parents don’t necessarily want school counselors and family therapists to collaborate. “Schools don’t get it (systems approach),” Michelle stated, and suggested the need for educating school personnel and moving them “back to counseling and away from an administrative process” to one of a “being a child support system with all the flavors coming together.”
   

Gary Waynick started his response by addressing assumptions, including that parental, family support is critical to a child’s success and that schools do not approach collaboration in an unique fashion. The routine attempts are made via presentations and school conferences between teacher, parent, and counselors. Gary suggested that we need more “school in the community.” He spoke about the nature of school, its mission, and things that limit what can be done with family counseling. School counselors are not trained systemically, according to this presenter’s observations. What his school system offers is the New Horizons program, that offers parents a team approach to working with their children. In addition to the school-in-community concept, Gary would like to bring more parents into schools to help them address family issues. Right now, he says, the focus is on child care. Obstacles to collaborative efforts, from Gary’s perspective, include weak coordination between school and family counselors, training limitations, space, time, staff, and compensation. His vision for the wrap-around concept addressed by Michelle, was for schools to provide time, space, and resources. Support by school administration, who traditionally don’t see a role for family therapy in schools, is key according to Gary. If the “circle” is enlarged to include school administration then the resources may follow.
 

 

Small Group Work: Participants were asked to join small groups, led by a school and a family counselor, to discuss the same questions introduced in the introduction. Afterwards each group shared their ideas. The following is a summary of combined group outcomes.

1. What is necessary for changing school systems to improve family support and counseling-related services, family involvement in the schools, family-based school programs, and family-school-community collaborations? 

- Strong, committed leader and creator.

  - Solid groundwork consisting of education and communication, public relations

- Secure collaboration – all stakeholders buy into the plan

2. How do you imagine bringing new visions to fruition? 

- Use what’s already in place

- Complete a community-based needs assessment, user survey

- Make schools a community center with multi-disciplinary services

- Use finances creatively: insurance, grants

- Use university resources

- Use time creatively, i.e. flex time

3. What obstacles might hinder such visions?

- Lack of passion/vision

- Lack of creativity

- Fear of change

- Mandated instructional focus

- Lack of time

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Politics

The “Safety Session”: A Prerequisite to Progress in Counseling Families with Physically Aggressive Children and Adolescents
 

 

Rip McAdams
 

 

     This session introduced the “Safety Session,” an activity intended to reduce the risk of violence in family counseling by opening forthright dialogue regarding the assessed risk, specifying appropriate behavior, and setting limits and enforceable consequences for noncompliance. There is evidence to suggest that the risk of violence may be particularly high in family therapy with children and adolescents. Children and adolescents with a history of exposure to violent behavior or other personal victimization may arrive at the family counseling session in a state of emotional arousal that is already beyond hope of diffusion through counseling intervention. Others may be pushed beyond their limits of emotional control by even minor stressors induced in a counseling session. Effective family therapy may not be possible as long as the therapist or any members of a family who are participating in the therapeutic process are afraid to honestly and assertively identify and

confront problematic patterns of family interaction. 

Advance planning with the family for the prevention and containment of in-session violence is essential and ensures that an appropriate response will be available to the violent client if or when it is needed. To sufficiently emphasize with at-risk families the seriousness of violence and the importance of physical safety to their success in counseling, it was proposed that all or part of and initial or early counseling session be devoted exclusively to a prescribed risk assessment and crisis planning process (i.e., to a safety session). The safety session involves six primary counselor activities that include: (a) organizing and alerting support systems; (b) identifying and acknowledging a threat; (c) defining acceptable, "baseline" session behavior; (d) formulating a response to baseline violations;(e) addressing resistance; and (f) promoting collaboration. Counselors and clients must overcome resistance and reach agreement at each step before safe and effective therapy can proceed. A complete description and case example of safety session implementation will be presented in the February, 2002 edition of The Family Journal.

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Loss and Counselor Self-Care
 

 

Alan Forrest
 

 

This workshop considered the clinical relevance of loss issues as a central part of the therapeutic process and the necessity for counselors to acknowledge their personal history and experiences encompassing endings. The session provided counselors with increased knowledge regarding their sensitivity, self-awareness, and expression to both personal and professional loss concerns. Information regarding the essential tasks of loss were provided along with specific steps that counselors can take to examine their own losses and not allow them to interfere with the counseling process. 

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Divorce Group for Elementary School Students
 

 

Charlene Reed &

Alan Forrest
 

 

This program integrated a theoretical loss model with the practical considerations of facilitating a divorce group for elementary school children. A detailed description outlining what a school counselor needs to do from recruitment of group members, topics for each group meeting, and what successful counseling skills and activities could be effectively utilized was presented.

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Adolescent Gateway Drug Use and Factors Affecting Preference
 

 

Alan Forrest
 

 

This presentation examined drug preference, peer relationships, and family structure, which have been found to be influential factors in the development of adolescent substance abuse. The session identified the use of gateway drugs, such as cigarettes, alcohol, marijuana, and inhalants, and other variables (family structure, parental modeling, and peer attitudes) involved in adolescent drug experimentation. Clinical considerations were discussed with the participants of this session.

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Substance Abuse from a Systems Perspective: An Integrative Paradigm
 

 

Glenn W. Lambie

Shari Sias
 

 

     We presented an integrative perspective of substance abuse, incorporating a systems perspective. The presentation explored the integration of the traditional substance abuse approach -- focusing on the identified client throughout the treatment phases -- with a systems conceptualization. The systems perspective employs circular reasoning to examine interactional patterns within a system and between systems. The integrated conceptualization not only includes the individual’s characteristics, but merges the system’s constructs of multigenerational patterns, detouring, compensatory change, homeostasis, family structure, and boundaries. The collaborative approach centers on both paradigms concurrently, consequently addressing the individual’s treatment needs and the family’s need to be restructured and supported. Just as the individual needs to redefine himself/herself, the system must also be reconfigured to support the individual’s recovery and the other members’ changing needs. Some of the treatment tasks of this integrative paradigm include: providing a common language and understanding of the recovery process to all members of the system, offering a supportive holding environment to the system during the transition, supporting children’s needs, and providing other resources to the system. 

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Charity Haines, Donna Mendonca, Kim Rambow, 

Nita Irvine, Judy Blakey
 

 

The Bright Stars and Family Support programs were the focus of this conference presentation. The programs began in Albemarle County in the mid-1990's to serve at-risk families and their elementary aged children. Most of the families we serve are difficult families in terms of the their past histories or current circumstances. The parents have often experienced significant stresses in personal relationships. They may have experienced repeated failures in getting their own needs met, developing effective parenting skills or sustaining meaningful relationships over time. 

Family Coordinators (Bright Stars) and Family Support Workers (Family Support), are based in each of the County's 15 elementary schools, but they are employed by the Albemarle County Department of Social Services. These workers spend a considerable amount of time outside of the school buildings doing home visits and engaging in regular community collaboration with staff in various community agencies.

The goals of the Bright Stars and the Family Support programs are to assist families in providing safe environments where children can be nurtured so that the children can arrive at school ready to learn, and to assist them in accessing needed community resources. Staff is trained in strength-based theory and practice. Our database allows us to track the progress of our families and make timely reports to the local government and school officials and ourselves. We practice active collaboration with other Department of Social Services staff, school staff and community agencies. 

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Jim Gumaer, Professor, Radford University
 

 
   

Participants in the session were administered the instrument and assisted with the scoring and interpretation of the results. Participants were encouraged to order materials at a cost of $30 from the author: Dr. David Olson, Family Social Science, 290 McNeal Hall, University of Minnesota, St. Paul, MN 55108.

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Implementing Parenting Programs in the Schools
 

 

Laura Granato, LMFT

Asst. Professor of Counseling at The George Washington University
 

 

Laura’s workshop covered three different models for running parenting groups in a variety of school settings. The models included establishing a parent network, holding parent conferences, and leading regular support groups for parents. Dr. Granato’s conference workshop guided counselors in identifying factors influencing parent participation and aided them in assessing which model would work best in their schools. The presentation provided participants with techniques to individually tailor parenting programs for urban, suburban, and rural communities. She discussed marketing strategies, community partnerships, and parent incentive programs --all designed for a school counselor with no budget. Participants also had the opportunity to share winning strategies they have found helpful in getting parents to participate in each of their schools.
 

 
   

   

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