Scorpio (October 23--November 21) Romance is in your future. You can bat your eyelashes and members of the opposite sex feel their knees weaken. And if that doesn't work, you can just grab the bat and take out their knees.
Sagittarius (November 22--December 21) Complications abound, but the answers are within your reach. Be willing to revise (as if your original vise wasn't good enough). Follow a hunch...or a hunchback if he's heading downtown. If all goes well you will win friends and other valuable prizes.
Capricorn (December 22--January 19) It's time for your life to move in a new direction--left. Friends will comment, "You look so young!" Too bad you're still ugly. A relationship will undergo transformations (yes, your fiancee is really a giant alien larvae).
Aquarius (January 20--February 18) These are trying times. Beware of who you take into confidence, your canard may be exposed (keep your clothes on, for crying out loud). Don't worry, when things are looking down, you'll beat the odds (Ed and Fran Odd, your new next-door neighbors).
Pisces (February 19--March 20) Everything is going my way! But why should you care, this is supposed to be about you. Tell me, how in the world do you expect me to know what's going to happen to you? You think it's "in the stars" or something? Get real. Wow, I feel better now.
Aries (March 21--April 19) You will realize your goal of world dominance.
Taurus (April 20--May 20) This week you will be burned by the skillet of love. Like a giant pancake you will be flipped head over heels into a relationship. Affection will be poured over you like hot syrup. Remember, trust yourself to the spatula of fate.
Gemini (May 21--June 20) Keep your spirits up. Brooding about the past is counterproductive. Brooding about the future, however, could bring financial gain. You'll be on Cloud Nine, but be careful, there are lots of pigeons up on Cloud Ten.
Cancer (June 21--July 22) This is your week for excitement! New love provides spice--paprika! Also look for opportunities in the workplace. Pisces individual says, "You deserve to be on top!" That's a little too forward though, so you slap him.
Leo (July 23--August 22) Be careful, you're flirting with disaster--luckily it already has a date. And, gosh shucks, stop settling for second best. Find out what you're due (hint: it's that Dr. Seuss book you checked out of the library twelve years ago).
Virgo (August 23--September 22) This will be a roller coaster of a week--watch the loop, it made my little brother throw up. Optimism replaces ennui. And ennui's parents were just beginning to like you. Significant other will say, "You do something to me...stop it."
Libra (September 23--October 22) Be smart yet wise, careful yet prudent. Avoid Port-a-Potties. Don't confuse delays with defeat. Defeat smells worse. Use your sense of humor! Make people laugh! Then knock them out and steal all their money.