Otakon 2000 : Kenshin Boo
KENSHIN BOO
A Cooper/Not-Frilly Production
Written by Benjamin Cooper
The stage is set with KAORU and YAHIKO standing nervously to one side, while SAITOH paces impatiently.
KAORU:
I didn’t know that Kenshin’s life was in danger. I hope he comes back soon.
SAITOH:
Me too. I have "urgent business" to discuss with the famed swordsman.
KAORU:
Where oh where is that ruroni I love – I mean, care deeply about in a platonic way until I choose to tell him about my hidden feelings.
YAHIKO:
Which is probably never given your temperament, but that’s okay. He’s just a big chicken.
KAORU:
How dare you say that about Kenshin! He’s warm and sweet and loving and-
YAHIKO:
Probably kisses like a nutcracker-
KAORU:
That’s none of your business!
SAITOH:
Yeah, when Kenshin and I were fighting during the bakumatsu-
KAORU and YAHIKO turn to look at him
SAITOH:
I mean, when we were drinking buddies during the bakumatsu-
YAHIKO:
There’s something funny about this guy.
KAORU:
You’re too suspicious. And look, here’s Kenshin now!
KENSHIN BOO enters. It is clear to all that he is a giant chicken in a hakama.
SAITOH:
Ah, Kenshin, we meet again.
KENSHIN BOO:
Cluck?
SANOSUKE enters, arm in a sling.
SANOSUKE:
Hey, it’s that guy who tried to kill me!
KAORU:
What? This police officer here?
KENSHIN BOO:
Cluck! Cluck cluck cluck-cluck cluck cluck cluck!
SANOSUKE:
He’s the former third captain of the Shinsen Gumi?
YAHIKO:
I cannot believe you even pretended to understand that.
KAORU:
Only you can’t understand Kenshin. He speaks perfect Edo Japanese.
YAHIKO:
For poultry.
SANOSUKE:
Don’t knock Kenshin! He’s the bravest man I know!
SAITOH:
And now that bravery will be put to the test.
He assumes the famous Gatotsu, or Horizon Stance.
YAHIKO:
(clearly unimpressed)
What is that?
SANOSUKE:
That’s the famous Horizon Stance of Mibu’s Wolves.
KAORU:
It only looks as if he’s going to seriously injure himself. In fact, it’s a very effective killing technique.
SAITOH:
All true. And you save me some breath; a good swordsman should always make sure that his audience knows the minutia of every single move he performs.
KENSHIN BOO puts his wing on his sword.
YAHIKO:
Hey, yakitori tonight!
KAORU:
But you know Kenshin only eats corn kernels and wheat.
YAHIKO:
Well, I didn’t say he was coming to dinner…
SANOSUKE:
Just watch. He’s better than you think.
KENSHIN BOO draws his sword as Saitoh lunges, flapping furiously and miraculously deflecting all his blows.
SANOSUKE:
My gosh…the Hiten Mitsurugi Niwatori!
KAORU:
He looks so vicious! All that clawing and pecking!
SANOSUKE:
He’s not the Kenshin we know anymore. He’s become the Hitokiri Battousai.
YAHIKO:
A man-killing chi-
SANOSUKE:
Why is it always chicken with you? They’re reliving their great battle in Kyoto!
KAORU:
I can’t watch!
YAHIKO:
They’re not touching each other!
SANOSUKE:
That’s how you know that they’re really good.
YAHIKO:
No, look. Saitoh’s just hacking around like an idiot, and Kenshin’s flapping his wings—
KAORU looks at him sternly.
YAHIKO:
Uh, I mean arms, at random. This’ll take at least 72 minutes to finish, more if we have commentary and breaks to promote consumer products.
KAORU:
Fortunately, he doesn’t look nasty enough to take two hours, like any fight on Namek.
At this moment a chance blow from SAITOH knocks the fake scar off of KENSHIN BOO’s beak.
KAORU:
Ohmigosh! He’s a giant chicken!
YAHIKO:
I told you so!
SAITOH:
Have I been living a lie these past ten years?
SANOSUKE:
Looks like it.
KAORU:
Oh my! I can’t believe you lied to me like this! I thought I loved you!
KENSHIN BOO:
Cluck?
KAORU:
That’s all you can say to salve my broken heart?
KAORU exits in tears. SANOSUKE walks over to KENSHIN BOO and places an arm around him.
SANOSUKE:
No worries, my feathery friend. Megumi still thinks you’re a man.
KENSHIN BOO:
Cluck.
SANOSUKE:
That’s right, Kenshin. Think positive.
SANOSUKE generously reaffixes the scar appliqué KENSHIN BOO exits, with everyone else smiling conspiratorially. They walk upstage, link arms chorus-style, and sing:
"You may wear a disguise to mess with samurai,
But you’re not hitokiri,
You’re a chicken, Boo."
OR
"Chicken Boo,
what’s the matter with you?
You can’t do
what the Shinsen Gumi do.
You wear a disguise
to look like Samurais.
But, you’re not a man,
you’re a chicken, Boo."